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My husband and I were married in a no-frills courtroom ceremony. We were both broke senior college students with crazy family members and vengeful exes, and felt that a courthouse ceremony was the most prudent of choices at the time. I was attracted to his character, his talent, and his stability. He was a soldier, enrolled in electrical engineering at junior college, owned his own home and car, was responsible and respectful, worked part-time at a casino, and was making impressive strides in the local indie hip hop music scene. I was a music major senior at university, working part-time as a hairstylist, and had founded a non-profit artistic organization that benefited both my college and community. We complemented each other, and were both self-sufficient , though not well-off, at the time of our marriage. May comes around. I've graduated...he dropped out of junior college, deciding that the major he'd started in "wasn't for him." First red flag. We decided that the small town we were living in was not good for our careers, and began planning a cross-country move to a bigger city with more opportunities. He did not re-enlist in the army. I did most of the work regarding the move: arranging a moving/estate sale so we'd have float cash while looking for employment, finding affordable housing, and holding initial phone interviews with dozens of school districts. When we arrived, he enrolled in trade school which payed a small monthly stiped(he'd finally found his nitch: motorcycles), and I signed a contract with a school district. And this is where things went downhill. He found employment after a couple months at a restaurant. That lasted a couple months. Then he was hired by a warehouse. That lasted a couple months. He began turning to alcohol and smoking. He's now been unemployed for seven months. All the "skills" I thought he'd acquired in the army, were not actual marketable skills. He had no job experience besides the food industry. He'd never interned. The conversations about our future plans we'd had while dating all turned out to be miscalculation on my part and fudging the truth on his. We'd first moved into a 1-bedroom apartment to save money until we could find something better. However, everytime i brought up that we could now afford to move up, he would hesistate, saying he wanted to wait until he was working , just to make sure. I acquiesced...until I realized that we actually had LESS money to spare now than when I'd first started teaching and couldn't figure out why. I've been doing everything I can to ensure that we make ends meet. I held signs, took in hair clients at home, worked a few extra tutoring jobs, even sold plasma a few times. He has not had the same work ethic. I didn't realize how much of a problem it had become, because he was usually studying or job-searching online when I left for work seminars in the evening, and figured he'd just had trouble finding work that agreed with his school schedule. Turns out, he was purchasing intoxicants with the bill money! And that "online job search" was him playing around on Facebook! What happened to my strong, responsible soldier? He cooks, and cleans, but he cannot, or will not, find a job. He refused to take something that pays less than what he made in the army and casino, which he has found out is near impossible with no degree or marketable skills. We had a long, adult, substance-free, no shouting or interjecting, discussion about our finances and careers. He said at first he was depressed at being unemployed, and, after he'd started drinking, got used to only having to go to trade school, not work, even though that meant less money. He acknowledged that he was not living up to his responsibilities as a husband, and has been on the grind since to find employment. I finally gave him an ultimatum, that he needs to get SOME kind of job or I'm going to start exploring my options. He's landed a regular weekend gig MC-ing at a music club, which is a start and could be as promising financially as his indie days in college until he finishes up the motorcycle certification. Im starting to wonder if his attitude change was related to our eloping. I never wanted a big expensive ceremony, or big expensive ring, so i thought it a prudent choice. I now wonder if maybe all that expense on the front end of a relationship can give you a gauge of how the relationship will go. If a man can save to buy you a nice ring and throw you a party (and we all know how expensive weddings can be), he'll probably be able to save to get a nice apartment and keep the bills payed. If you start your marriage out cheap, with minimal effort to be given on his part, he may not value you . NOT saying that wives are "bought", but hell, maybe the countries whose cultures demand bride-price and dowry were onto something. Your
I agree, we should have waited. I knew him for 2 1/2 years before we decided to marry, and, up until that point, he was financially responsible, or seemed to be. He payed his bills on time, kept his 3-bedroom house in good repair and the mortgage payed months in advance, made regular savings deposits, tithed, helped less-off family members, could afford vacations, even helped me with a very expensive medical bill while we were dating. One of the reasons that attracted me to him was that he was so stable, always bills first/fun second, in contrast with other college boys who were struggling but spending frivolously. He'd been overseas, and had sent me letters that described in detail what his army job entailed; experience and skills that I thought were marketable when tied to an associate's degree .We'd discussed marriage for several months before eloping. It was not until we relocated, and he had trouble finding work, that problems came about. I know now that, without the A
You said "We were both broke senior college students with crazy family members and vengeful exes"... Eloping wasn't the problem...being "broke college students" was the problem...ideally, you should both have been out of college, onto your career paths, and making money before deciding to get married... Live and learn...
IF you and your SO want to elope, then go for it. Eventually someone WILL find out though, so perhaps just send out announcement cards after the fact. Or have a small ceremony with JUST the supportive family and friends. Invite everyone you want to show over for a little get together. After a little bit of relaxation, bring forth your surprise... an officiant there to marry both of you in front of your friends and family! As for the marriage license, you cannot get two marriage licenses without having a divorce, so the first time you get married that license is valid until death or divorce. If you DO end up in the future wanting a ceremony, it would be a Vow Renewal Ceremony, and if you do that you should indicate so on any invitations you may send out.
The eloping has NOTHING to do with the mess he has turned into! Probably his raising of his parents/family has more to do with his character now, than where you got married does. I actually KNOW an electrical engineer who eloped and is still happily married. I think you should go into marriage counseling and should demand he stop using all drugs. If he won't go to counseling (look for church or local group counseling if you can't afford professional private counseling. Ask a local church or hospital about free counseling) then you should divorce him. This is a simple cut and dry solution for you: He has 2 choices. 1) Either he gets into counseling and works on improving his self esteem, health, and finds work washington 2) you divorce. Don't stay in this marriage if he isn't actively working to improve his mental health, physical health, and your financial health.
If you need the wedding to learn how your partner handles finances, then you didn't have enough conversations or pay close enough attention to how your partner handles finance before you agreed to get engaged. And frankly, I think that's what happened here. Saving up for a wedding might have given you enough time to graduate and learn what he was like out in the real world first, but so would waiting a few years before you eloped. It has nothing to do with "valuing you" and everything to do with maturity.
No. The fact that you were too immature to wait until you both had graduated college and had established effect careers is what did you in.