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Ok this is a book i am writing but idk if it is good or not. it dosent have a title yet. Thank you sooo much. PREFACE I was running through a black forest, running as fast as I could. But the thing that I was running from was gaining fast, it would not be long before it caught me. In one last feeble attempt to save myself I ducked behind a bush and listened to the thing approaching praying that it would pass. A couple yards away it came to an abrupt stop. My heart plummeted into my stomach and raced a thousand beats per minute. The thing seemed confused and walked away. I waited about a minute just to be sure it was gone. Once I was sure I slowly stood up and turned around. Staring me in the face was my worst fear. I jerked out of my dream upright in a cold sweat and took a couple deep breaths to calm myself. I stepped out of bed and opened my door and muffled a piercing shriek as my dream stepped into reality... CHAPTER 1 "Will you shut up already and go to sleep!?!" I yelled to nobody in particular. "No we are going to stay up all night. Right girls!?" One of my little sisters said in her high pitched "cute little girl" voice. I am sure that none of this makes sense to you right now. If it did I would be seriously freaked out. So since you have no idea what is going on let me fill you in. I am 14, I live in Bloomfield, New Mexico and my name is Hayley. Just Hayley. I have no last name. Well technically I do but the guy my mom got re married to is a total narcissistic, two faced cow so I try to have little association with him. I have 2 little sisters they are 10 year old twin devils. Their names are Cecelia and Kylee. There sole purpose in life is to drive me insane. They are really good at it. Take tonight for example. They convince our mom to let them have a sleepover. Our mom told them they could have 5 girls over. But every girl brought girls with her. There are 23 girls over now. And mom went out with some friends. And her husband (I don't even say his name) was supposed to watch the girls. But he made me do it so he could go out with his friends. Now it is 1:52 am and the girls are watching re runs of SpongeBob Squarepants with the TV turned up so loud 3 neighbors have already called to complain. The house reeks of acetone and popcorn, and they somehow busted the hinge off my door so it won't close. And did I mention that I have finals tomorrow? Well I do. Somewhere around 2:30 it got to be too much. I was sick of my mom and her husband dumping stuff on me and I was sick of my bratty sisters and their idiotic powder puff friends. I had been planning doing this for a while and now seemed the perfect time. I reached under my bed and grabbed 3 things. The first was a laptop (nobody knew I had this but me. I snuck out and bought it about a month ago). I logged on and opened it up to Travelocity.com. I bought 3 flights to the LAX airport and sent them to the printer at my best friend’s house. She would understand. The second thing I grabbed was a purple box about half the size of a piece of regular paper. In the box was about 10,000 dollars in cash. See my grandparents used to live in Montana on about 3 acres of farmland until one day the struck oil and became instantly rich. So every year for my birthday they send 1,000 dollars in the mail. I tell my mom they only send me 100. But you can imagine after 14 years of birthdays I had come across some serious money. The only thing I ever bought with the money is the laptop the occasional Vitamin Water and 3 plane tickets to Los Angeles. The third thing I pulled out from under my bed was a green suitcase with a yellow duffel bag inside it. I started shoving clothes into it and other things I may need to spend a week in Los Angeles. I pulled my cell phone out from under the bottom of my school bag and hit speed dial. Alice picked up on the 3rd ring. "What do you want? It is like 3 am." she said. I could tell she was still half asleep. "You are going to come to washington with me for a week." I heard a muffled thud and I knew she had sat upright to fast in her bunk bed and hit her head on the ceiling again. "Ouch" she muttered to herself. "So? Will you go?" "Hales I don't know. What about my parents? Your parents, this is really sudden?" she asked skeptically, "I am sneaking out and all you have to do is tell your mom you had a vision that you need to visit your great aunt on your dads side once removed who lives in Oregon and you will be home free." See Alice's mom is kind of a hippie/fortune teller and Alice can get almost anything she wants by saying some oracle or spirit told her it was what she should do. Ironically her mom thinks washington is the portal to the underworld so she took a vow to never let her or her children step foot in California. Other than that she can get virtually anything. She is so lucky. "I don't know. What about money?" "Little purple box..." "Oh right. Ok
Preface: The first thing that I noticed with your preface was that you continually say "thing". It's not the repetitiveness that bothers me. Usually, you're going to want to stay away from using the word "thing". It leads readers to believe that you don't know what you're describing. This doesn't mean that your character has to describe it in full, either. It can remain mysterious. So maybe describe it as a moving shadow, or the darkly clothed figure, or a shifting form. I really like the end of of your preface though. The dream stepping into reality. That was a good line. Chapter: First off, avoid doing the ?!?!?!!?! thing. It looks unprofessional. Stick with the traditional question mark. The "yelled" description will give the readers the same effect as the exclamation point. And obviously you're yelling to someone in particular. You wouldn't just yell for people to be quiet if you weren't talking to a specific person or group of people. Also, maybe try to be a little more subtle with your introduction. I wouldn't come out with all the facts in one blunt sentence. Oh and when you do your introduction you are "talking" to the readers. You do this by saying "you" when you're not talking to another character. That's alright to do, just make sure it fits into your story smoothly. One more thing would be to always spell out numbers. You don't want to say "5", you need to say "five". Unless you're talking about some ungodly number like 1,567,892 or the time. Then you can just write it out like that. You use the wrong "their/there/they're" sometimes as well. Like where you say: "There soul purpose..." It needs to be "Their". There are just a few other small errors, but your grammar is great, which is often the challenge new writers face. So though there were some mistakes, this was much more pleasant reading than what I've seen before! Keep working at it and good luck! :)
The idea so far is very interesting. however, i read the conversation and the paragrapgh of the first chapter and i didnt really like it. but as soon as i kept reading about how she was going to run away and what an independent person she was, it kind of got me hooked and i wanted to see where this was going. the preface was kind of a hook, but it did have some grammar problems. the problem with your writing is that you have your main character talking to the reader, and i dont think you should do that (that is my opinion, but if your writing style is having your characters talking to the reader and explaining the story then thats okay). i like your use of words, but you need to work on the flow of your conversations, and some places you need to add a comma. keep writing though, the general idea of your story is interesting enough. :] good luck!
Thats a really tense story but it sure is good i read and write storys on fanfiction.net and these people and me use charaters from other story's we like but you thought the charaters by myshelf thats somthing to be proud of! Well done and Good Luck Hunny! =)