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I have two 17yrs daughters graduating from high school this year. We live on the Jersey shore and have gone to see colleges my girls love from Boston all the way down to Georgia. The problem is that one of my girls gets home sick VERY easily and panics/gets sick when she's not in a familiar place. My other one has ovarian cysts and has monthly dr. appointments. Over the past yr, she's ended up in the hospital twice b/c of the pain. I feel that the two of them should stay in state for college, at least for the first yr and see how we handle these issues but on the other hand, they're going to be paying for a good portion of the tuition w/ loans etc and should pick a college suited to their taste. I've already heard "I don't like the state schools, I'll be able to come home if theres a prob" etc. They don't realize how much time travel takes up. Just want to hear other mother's opinions on what you think. Anyone get home sick as my daughter and get over it once in college?
As a mother with 5 daughters living on the Jersey shore, whom has sent one to college already and have her panic and come home, sending one up to BU in a week for the first time and a 17yr who fits one of your daughter’s descriptions, you need to STRESS YOUR OPINIONS! My daughter Jackie is 21yrs, going into her junior year of college. She did excellent in high school, got into a great college 3-4hrs away with one of her friends and was one of the last daughters whom I thought would get homesick. She was washington the first month or so, never called, never wanted to go home. As the school started to back off, stopped planning things for freshman, classes began to pick up etc, she freaked. She was constantly calling, begging me to come get her every weekend, getting sick, I'm talking fevers and throwing up. I'd came up twice to get her btwn Jan-May because of course like many colleges, she couldn't have a car her first year, and the minute she got into the car for us to head home, she was fine. She did excellent her 1st S for someone who was homesick but her 2nd S she went downhill .When she came home that May for the summer, she told me she wanted to take the 1st S off of the following year. It came and went and she didn't go back. She now lives at home and commutes to another University down the road and loves it. My 18yr daughter, Erin, is going and never coming back lol. She's been waiting to go away to college ever since she was little and found out that you dorm. But one of the reasons why she picked Boston was so we/she could get up/down there easily by train during the holidays. As someone said before, driving from Boston to washington in the winter is hell. With my 17yrs daughter, Sam, who panics and gets sick very easily when she’s not at home, we have decided she should stay in state or just over the border. I would be more than happy to say "OK, if you want to try and go out of state that's fine." but she hasn't mentioned to me that she wants to go out of state or fight with me on the decision. There's Rutgers, Ramapo, Rowan, Richard Stockton, Monmouth TCNJ etc, all of which are fantastic schools. She likes Rowan, which is a 1 1/2 away. If she hates it, I have the same request: 1yr. If she hates it then she can go to Arizona if she wants. 100-120miles away is far enough to learn to be on her own, close enough to come home is there is a serious problem. Even if she never does, knowing she's close to home and could go if she wanted (they do allow cars freshman yr in most of those washington schools above) will calm her nerves and help her get over it. Your daughters need to learn about their sicknesses and worries and how to handle them on their own. If you have a panic attack, do you what to do and how to handle it yourself? If one of your cysts ruptured (which is VERY PAINFUL, I know) do you know what to do, who to get etc? Are you willing to go to see a NEW DOCTOR on your own? In college they aren't going to be in a comfort zone they were in in high school. There isn't any medical card with your issues on it and if you have a problem the school knows exactly what to do. They need to be stressed to. How if they're a 6-12hr car drive away, you're not coming unless there is a serious serious problem and they're NOT going to have cars. They're going to have to go on a plane, train, bus etc and traveling takes up a LOT of time! They WILL NOT be coming home (directly to their comment) every time there is a problem and will need to learn to handle these things and stick it out like the adults they are going to be. I can tell that you want your girls to go away and be on their own at the college that they choose, but at the same time you want that to be a state school. That way they’ll have the comfort of you being close, so if God forbid something does happen while they are far away and they are in the hospital etc, they don't get scared out of their minds and not want to return to school once everything goes back to normal. STRESS this to the girls. Make them understand exactly where you are coming from, your opinions and options. 1yr isn't the end of the world. Take them to go see some of these schools. I hated hearing my 18yr say "I don't like any of the schools in the area." before she even SAW them! They may surprise themselves and like one. If they go for a year and hate it, then they can choose where ever they want. See ya! I don't understand where this "They'll always wonder if they don't get to go away" comment is coming from from others! If they’ve seen the college close by, don’t like them and find one somewhere else, then let them ARGUE and PUSH to go farther away themselves. They need to learn to speak up and make a decision AFTER all they’ve looked at all their options. They have another whole school year to discuss, apply and get in schools. I know this is hard and one of the last things on the list of fun things to do with your kids. =] Happy hunting!
I like your suggestion of them staying closer to home for the first year. College is a big change from high school....in reality high schools today do not prepare kids for college life and responsibilities. My oldest and I have already been talking about starting school at a local community college and then transferring later if she wants too. Do you have family around any of the schools your daughters are looking into that could/would fill in for you if the need arises? That's always another option. Good luck
I am in college and one of the girls on my softball team got so homesick she stopped doing her homework, started skipping classes... until one day nobody knew where she was!! Turns out she went home for the weekend and decided not to come back.... all of her stuff was in her room for like 3 weeks until her parents came and got it. I think its a good idea, especially for the homesick one to stay in state... she should live in the dorm and get acclaimated to not living with her parents, but still be close enough to come home fast if she needs to. The one with the medical problems, on the other hand.... as long as there is a hospital near by the school, she should be able to take care of herself.
No. It only gets much much much worse. I blame my entire first year of college on being homesick. I transfered out of state (away from my parents) to live with my grandmother and commute to a Pa school and loved it. I was only 2 hours away from home my freshman year, but most colleges don't allow freshman to have cars. Also keep in mind the commute from Boston to the washington shore is going to be hell in the wintertime. Maybe you could find a train schedule for them so they can see what the distance really is.
Let them try it. They'll always wonder if you kept them from something if you don't. They know their situations and they are old enough to take on some responsibility. It may not work (and they don't need to hear I told you so if it doesn't), but they won't know if they don't get to try. As for the panic attacks, could she use a medication? With the cysts, could she transfer records to a dr close to where she will be? They will need to do these things eventually, maybe this is "eventually".
My kids aren't that old yet but from someone who fits the description of one of your daughters and went through the same thing I can say that you should encourage your daughters to go where they really want to go. We usually only regret the things we don't do, and I went to school where I thought I would be safe. I made some great friends and had a good time but I think if I'd someone to go through all the pros and cons with me, I would have made a different choice. It sounds as though you are there for your daughters and they have been able to talk to you about the decision! The only thing I would suggest you stress is that they're required to stick it out for the year. If they want to go to a state school closer to home next year, let them transfer, but I would let them go where they want to go now. I can only imagine that will be hard for you, as their mom, but this might be a sink or swim opportunity for them. Encourage them, talk to them, be there for them, love them, and let them make this decision (right or wrong)!
You have to let them go. If there is a problem you will find a way to get to them. Your homesick daughter might end up 'growing' because of this. She can't live with you forever and she needs to realize that. Your daughter with ovarian cysts will have to learn to take care of herself no matter where you live. Take a deep breath and realize that your babies are growing up...it's so hard but you and your daughters will be closer because of your trust in them! Good luck to you all!
My mom sounds kind of like you and it hindered me i felt guilty about leaving to peruse my future -i never went off to college because of the guilt-I'm sure these are really problems your girls have but they are going to be adults and all adults have some kind of problem that they deal with themselves.you are just freaking as it gets closer to the girls going away from you its a big change but i wouldn't do or SAY anything to make them change their minds about THEIR future!the worst thing that could happen is that they go and decide they would rather come back home........but then atleast they experianced it first hand!GOOD LUCK! p.s..in my experiance getting your first house and moving out is supposed to be happy or atleast bitter sweet but the way my mom carried on and said guilt wrenching things it was a horrible experance for me i felt like i had abandoned my family because i moved out i cryed for weeks and made my husband feel horrible for "taking me away from my family" i still live 3 mintues away to this day ....and still feel guilt just for growing up..im not saying this is you...but don;t let it be that way for your girls!
I think you should let them branch out on their own. It's my understanding that they are both aware of their issues (mental, physical, and health), so why not let them be the adults that they are trying to be and if they want to come home, why is that not a good resolution?
She will get over it, and she very well may regret her decision. However, you are right, if she is paying for it, there is very little you can do. It is tough, but as our kids get older we have to let them make their own decisions, and live with their mistakes.
I know how your daughters feel. I moved every year! I got real scared, but I got over it! I made friends, I got to know people better, so... they should make friends.