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My boyfriend owes me $60 for random little things he promised he'd pay me back for. Recently, both mine and his birthday and our anniversary came up. I got him a gift for both occasions, but he didn't have the money to get me anything. He was adamant on getting me presents when he could afford it, so I said that was fine. Now, he just called me asking that, if he got me two very nice present, if that could cancel out both the gifts and the $60 he owes. The thing is, I consider gifts and borrowed money two completely different categories. When I told him this, he brought up times he'd bought me things and I hadn't had to pay him back. I have done this for him also, and I make clear what I consider a gift (like paying for us to go to the movies or eat) and what I consider a loan (giving him money for his credit card bill). I'm not sure if I'm sticking to my beliefs or being selfish. I'm just wondering if I should make this compromise or not?
If he gets you to cancel your loan to him because he buys you two gifts, he'll never let you go. Tell him that gifts and loans are two different things. A loan he agreed to pay you back and gifts are given through love and care. Then he has to start saving up to repay his loans and until he does (and even when he does) you will no longer be loaning any money to him. Good luck. KD
Forgive the offense, but don't forget the lesson. A wise man once told me never to lend money to friends or relatives. Give what you can afford to loose as a gift and don't expect to get paid back. It took me a while to learn to do that and I think my ability to forgive debts that I should not have loaned in the first place saved several valuable friendships. I had a friend who consistently "borrow" money and her method of "paying me back" was to take me out to dinner. While I wouldn't ordinarily have spent that money on dinner, I learned to appreciate her method and forget the cash. If I have a friend that needs money, and she tells me she will pay me back, I say, "Whenever you want to is fine with me," and then I internally view as a gift what she may see as a loan for the sake of her own pride. That way if it takes her 10 years to pay back the $20 I gave her, or she chooses to do something else in exchange, like give me a gift or do me a favor, neither one of us is hurt. Give and take is part of every relationship and counting dollars and cents is a good way to ruin a good thing. That's not to say you should let yourself be a doormat, but it can be a great relationship builder to see what creative ways each person contributes to a relationship besides cash. I'd say call this a learning moment. Forgive your boyfriend if you are inclined to and then make sure that you don't loan money to him that you will ever want to be paid back. At some point, you could talk to him about the conditions of your new policy so he knows not to expect any further loans, or you could let things go on as they are be a little wiser for it. -Scarlet
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Don't make the compromise. He is using you and you are falling for it if you think a gift can equate to a repayment. Legally, in order for something to be a gift, it must be given without an expectation of reciprocity. If you give something to someone and you expect it to be matched or repaid to you in some way, it is not a gift, it is an exchange or a loan.
You are correct. But the real question here is....why are you still dating him? The purpose of dating for most people is to determine if this person is spouse material. Love is not enough. People really don't change that much. If he isn't responsible with what he has now he isn't going to be responsible in the future no matter how much money he makes. Huge red flag. I vote dump him unless you want to spend your life riddled with debt. You'll be working your butt off to pay for his bad habits and you will probably really resent him for it. He'll get the stuff he wants and you will miss out on what you want because you will be the "responsible" one trying to pay down the debt. Sound fun? P.S. Most people are on their best behavior when they're dating and problems that already exist tend to get worse after the marriage.
Oh sweet, now you have to buy your own gifts. He gets to get credit for paying you back by using YOUR money to buy your own gift. I'd get rid of the loser because it's only going to get worse from here.
First, tell him if he can afford to buy gifts, he can afford to pay you back and you prefer no gifts and to be repaid. Second, you need to dump this loser after he pays you back.